Aisha’s story
Stigma and shame can prevent people from seeking treatment. Aisha* explains how she overcame this with the support of her recovery worker – and why she’s speaking out to help others.
I was dealing with substance abuse for more than four years. It was something that I built a habit of in hard times, because I found it difficult to speak about anything I was going through. Whenever I tried to speak to somebody close to me, it would get out of hand and I ended up doing nitrous oxide again just to deal with it. That's the cycle I was stuck in.
My parents knew I had this issue. When I tried to talk to them it would end up in an argument or they would be extra worried, so I wasn’t able to express how I felt. I'd hide certain details.
Even my partner, he's really stuck by me, but he also had a bit of judgement, because in my community, it's not accepted for a woman to have these issues. It's seen as very shameful. But obviously it's not something I chose; it just happened.
My long-term goal was to try and control those cravings and deal with things in a better way, and ultimately stop using. It was my husband who helped me, and suggested contacting Change Grow Live.
Overcoming fear
I was very nervous – what if somebody sees me that I know, and then goes around telling the community? I was new to the area, I was only known as my partner's wife and he's got a big family.
I've got a couple of friends that have had issues with substances as well, and they would never come forward because of the stigma. I was brave enough, maybe because I had moved to a new area, so not a lot of people knew me. And I had that support from my husband. But my friends knew that their partners would leave them if they were to admit they had a problem.
It's very, very difficult for women. A lot of people from Asian backgrounds expect women to be this full-on machine that doesn't have emotions, doesn’t have bad habits. But anybody can develop a bad habit. At the end of the day, we're all human.
When I told my husband that I'd met my key worker and she's Asian, he was like, “who's her family?” I had to reassure him that nobody would find out. So that was a bit hard. It's very difficult because of the stigma.
My first session was a group session and I was the only girl in there. I was the only Asian girl and I was surrounded by older white men. That did make me feel a bit better, to be honest, because I did not want to bump into anyone that I might know.
I was very scared to try to speak about my problems. But when I heard other people open up, I was comfortable to do so.
Learning to open up
My key worker Nadia* is also a young female, also from a part Asian background, so I felt a connection with her. I was able to speak to her about my family background. When I told her, “they're not accepting, this is very shameful for them,” she understood. Nadia really believed in me and helped me understand that it's not always about what other people think; you have to do what's right for you.
I could talk to her about everything – my life at home, being married, how to deal with issues. That helped me stop using, because I had developed a habit of using nitrous oxide to deal with things that were going on. But when I had cravings, I’d think no, I can just speak to Nadia, and I was able to handle it that way.
When I first started at the service, I knew that it was going to be difficult and I would have some stumbles along the way. But I thought – what's the point doing this if I'm going to lie? So I was very honest with Nadia the whole way through. I was like, “look, I had this bad patch at the beginning,” and she said, “don't worry, these things happen.” She was very non-judgemental.
That's where the change comes in. You realise that you can be honest. I was never honest with people before. I was like, “no, I've not done it” – but I had. And that guilt just plays in your head. But if you let it out, then you can really identify how to change and how to grow.
The proudest moment for me is that I've actually controlled myself. When you're stuck in that cycle, that becomes your whole routine – how you're going to get it, where you’re going to do it. You don't see much in the future. You feel very down; you don’t have much hope. Now I feel like my eyes have opened. There's more to life. I'm quite proud that I’ve been able to bounce back.
Advice for others
My advice would be: don't be afraid. You need to put yourself first. It's very hard to motivate yourself to stop, and then you get all this abuse from your own family or your friends or people around you. That pushes you to do the wrong thing.
I’d also want people to know that taking nitrous oxide is not considered a hardcore drug, but it can be very addictive without you realising it.
And something I wish I had done – make sure you do your research. I heard at the time that nitrous oxide has a very bad impact on your mobility, but you think it's not gonna happen to you. And then one day I woke up and was unable to walk properly. You don't want that to be you, because the effects are long lasting. I'm unable to do certain things and that's really affected my confidence.
The reason I got to this stage was because I was unaware that nitrous oxide depletes your B12 in your body. I wish I had known.
As I've stopped using, I've seen an improvement in my mobility and I’m more physically healthy. I find satisfaction in doing other things like going to the gym, being with friends and family, things that I lost. Me and my husband plan to have children, hopefully. So I want to carry on working on building a better future.
If we had a world of no stigma and no judgement, I would actually think of running sessions myself. But it's something that unfortunately I can’t do, so that’s why I am happy to tell my story in this way. I love to help people and it did really help me just being able to speak to somebody, free from any worry or shame. I would recommend that to anybody.
* All names have been changed