I Didn’t Start Out That Way/ The Slide by LR
In West Sussex, the creative writing group has been meeting over Zoom. They dedicated some of their sessions to the theme of Recovery Month and received incredible poems from people at all stages of their recovery. Here are just a few of the poems that were submitted.
This is I Didn’t Start Out That Way/ The Slide, a poem by LR.
I didn’t start out drinking that way
I had it all, many would say
A daughter, partner, job, family life
From outside to in, there was little strife
At the start; the mad, fun, crazy days of my teens and twenties
Justified because everyone was having plenty
Parties, pubs, clubs, boozy foreign breaks
Laughing on hungover mornings with all my mates
It was so much part of the everyday, normal, expected life
The night out, the lunch, when 6 o clock strikes
I didn’t start broken but, bit by bit
Lying and hiding and desperate for it
Arranging my life around drinking opportunities
So I could have a few with total immunity
Dinner out and if someone had an inch more wine
I’d feel jealous, angry. That bit was mine!
When sharing a bottle there’d be a few more hidden about
Topping up in secret to appear to drink the same amount
A big enough handbag to hide the bottle
No need for a glass I was going full throttle
Asking ‘did I do anything wrong?’ to housemates and friends
What happened? What was said? Did I do it again?
So many nights out which ended bruised and black
How did I get home? No memory of that
From red wine to white to hide the stains
When? How? More. A constant refrain
Terrified when I thought there wasn’t enough
Going without unimaginably tough
Every morning would start with ‘no not again, not today, it’s time to stop’
Then that euphoric feeling of thinking ‘oh go on, what’s one more drop’
It was always, tomorrow I’ll stop or maybe....the day after that
Again and again, on a loop, an internal chat
Two small bottles on the way to work
Just to feel normal, my little perk
A bottle of wine on my half hour break
If I didn’t I’d sweat and start to shake
Decanting into plastic bottles, sip, swig, sip
Grabbing every chance to have that nip
Empties in public bins and over garden walls
Bumps, cuts and bruises from blackout falls
Public toilets became my drinking den
At home hiding bottles and getting caught again
Stale booze smell seeping out of my pores
Eye drops and thick make up to hide red vein flaws
Police cells, courts and stranger’s bedrooms
I’ve done it again, dark panic looms
A cracked open head, I’m back in A&E
Broken ribs and black eye from a new drinking ‘buddy’
Carpark drinking with homeless men. Dark, damp, dim
One giving me his last cider can because I needed it more than him
My family’s despair, desperation and pain
Because I’d done it again. And again and again
How quickly it all comes tumbling down
From meetings in board rooms to solo drinking in town
From bath time and bedtime with my little girl
To supervised access, a nightmare black whirl
The madness, the insanity, I didn’t even want it
But it had me tight in its vice like grip
I was alcohol it was me
A broken addict my identity
But just as I broke, I am getting mended
The bottle, the glass, the pain upended
Bit by bit, hour by hour
Who would have guessed I had that power?
I grabbed all the support that was available
I slept, I ate, I talked about how I felt
It was hard at the start, but each day was a victory
Another day without drink, I couldn’t believe it was me
By fighting and fighting many black night
Day by day, inching towards light
From shame and disgust, respect CAN be won
The liquid temptation I needed to shun
The blissful feeling of waking up sober
Not scrabbling for details over and over
No thoughts of ‘oh god what have I done?’
I didn’t break down when talking to mum
My families love, relief on their faces
My daughters trust and tight, tight embraces
Life can be rebuilt from hell and despair
And l once again can feel worthy of care
My daughter telling me that she loves me more than when the numbers stop
Just adds to my drive, my determination not ever to have one more drop
I now have purpose, aims and goals. I can actually think!
I have space in my head without being obsessed with drink
Each social occasion spent alcohol free
Each sober high and each sober low a victory
The realisation that I’d dealt with a hard time or traumatic event
And not once did I think I needed a drink to cope but was there 100%
What a beautiful thing to hold my head high
Feel content with myself although I am shy
My goals, mind and skin becoming so clear
My freedom from booze is finally here
It’s power is waning all the time
I’m actually living, and this life is mine
The addict, the piss head, that is not me!
I am a fighter, my strength identity.